“Feeling Stuck Between Genders”
I’m not entirely sure how to explain this, but I really feel the need to try and hopefully I will get some positive feedback from the community.
First I gotta give a little history. I was born male, but when I was 2 or so (can’t remember exactly when) my father had a stroke that left him with a severe mental disability. It left him with physical and mental handicaps that made it so his presence in my life almost non-existent. He wasn’t able to be that “Father” figure in my life (not his fault) but because we was still IN my life in some way, I never really found any other father figure either. He became a placeholder, in a sense. He was there, taking up that spot in my life as I grew up, but at the same time completely unable to fulfill that role because of his disability.
Because of this, my mother became sort of the “father” figure for me, and I grew up more like a daughter than a son, in terms of the things I learned in both how I act and what I was interested in. I was sensitive and emotional as I grew up, and never felt uncomfortable around girls. By the time I reached high school I had never really developed any strong relationships with guys, the few I made not being much deeper then a shared interest or pastime. Girls, on the other hand, I had a lot of very strong relationships with and more often than not I was “one of the girls” when it came to talks about things like periods, clothes, and their personal issues, and I was always willing to listen and help whenever I could.
Keep reading for the rest of this reader’s dilemma and to offer your advice.
When I entered high school though, I was hit with this huge wave of pressure and a lot of problems as well. The first year of high school was the roughest. New people, new classes, new pressures from all sides. Suddenly the guys had gone from being people I didn’t talk to much to being almost alien to me, and girls suddenly started viewing me as different as well. I was already much taller than the girls I was friends with, and even most of the guys, and I was rapidly growing into a very masculine body. I struggled to deal with the rapid changes in my life as I tired to “fit in” with the other guys, but I couldn’t connect, and even though I was still more comfortable with girls than guys, than they with me, both sides were starting to see the other as “male” and “female” and it made things tense. Love blossomed and withered, friends came and gone, though mostly gone, and my life felt like it was going into a dead drop straight to hell. No one understood me, no one could help me. I was starting to think I was crazy, and developed anxiety and mild androphobia from it. I thought I was going to kill myself at several points during my high school years.
But there is a good light in this dark story. At the start of high school, I had started reading Manga (Japanese comics) and one genre in particular I found myself reading and enjoying the most, the Genderbender genre. In these stories the characters cross-dressed or even switched genders, and I always felt a strong connection to those characters. Eventually I discovered that I didn’t feel like a guy anymore, and started exploring things like cross-dressing and being transsexual. But the idea of cross-dressing made me feel wrong. Not that wearing girls clothes was wrong, in fact I liked the idea and still often fantasize about wearing a nice dress or a skirt, but if I was going to cross dress, I wanted to pass as female, and anything less than that repulsed me.
Because of this, I started feeling like I was a girl trapped in a guys body, and started looking for others who felt this way. I talked to people who were taking hormones and a few who had gone through surgery to change genders. The main thing that came from all these conversations was the feeling that they had felt that their body was wrong for them, and they felt that they would only be happy as the opposite gender. This wasn’t how I felt though. I didn’t hate being a guy, but I didn’t enjoy it either. I loved the idea of looking like a girl, but at the same time it wasn’t something I wanted all the time. I had started counseling at this point, and the person I talked to said I was likely someone who was gender fluid, and changed back and forth between them. This might have been fine, except for two things. Even though my mind might easily go between male and female, my body most certainly didn’t. A 6’4″ tall guy with broad shoulders and “handsome” face wasn’t exactly easy to picture as a girl, and as I said before anything less than passing was unacceptable to me, and the other problem I had at this point was that, in a way, the two genders had developed their own distinct personalities. The people I talk to, the way I talk, the words I use. The way I talk, the way I dress, the way I act. They all were very different when I was “male” and when I was “female” which made things feel even more complicated, and leaves me at the stage where I am now. I’m still actively going to counseling for my anxiety and androphobia issues, and often bring these issues up as well, but I want to come to a community of others to see what they say.
So please, Group, I want to hear from you with what you think.